Friendship: A Resume

Objective

To be the amazing friend you brag about to your other friends to make them step up their game.

Professional Achievements

Flexibility

  • Despite not playing an instrument, managed to become part of the coveted band geek clique in high school.
  • Compatible with friends of all genders.

Dedication

  • Very rarely will dump a friend even when they really, really are huge assholes.
  • Have only ever bailed on a hang out because of pet death.
  • Still have one friend from grade school.
  • Excels at long-distance and internet friendships.

Modesty

  • Cute but not spectacular – you can be the hot friend!
  • Have only completed an undergraduate degree; smart enough to talk about anything you want to talk about but probably not as smart as you.
  • Imposter syndrome under regular relapse.

Skills

  • Ass-kissing
  • Video games
  • Book-learning
  • Internet Meme fuckery
  • Tweeting
  • Cat cuddling

Work History

Lonely Working Asshole Adulthood 2007-Present
Drama Nerd High School Though College 1996-2007
Weeaboo Grades Six Though College 1994-2003
Baby Goth Grade Eight 1995-1996

Education

 Small Group of Weirdos Primary School 1989 –

 1996

References

If I had friends to act as references, I wouldn’t need this resume, dingus.
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One thought on “Friendship: A Resume

  1. Daniel Parulis says:

    Gosh, came across your bog looking up some stuff for Adult religious classes I teach. You sound like a well rounded seriously intact crazy person. I love your take on the scriptures. I am working on the Resurrection Narratives. Your idea of “being affected by fear is very real. Being 67 and retired and going into the last “life stage” it’s refreshing to meet you through your writings!

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