Sorry Not Sorry II: I watch Game of Thrones

A Note: A short while after I posted my first Sorry Not Sorry, someone mentioned that they hated that phrase because of how dismissive it sounds, a cousin to “I’m not homophobic *pulls out bullhorn and screams* BUT…” I chose this name partly out of practicality (it’s topical, it’s catchy), but also because for me, it sums up the contradictions in being a queer woman and participating in media culture.  Pretty much everything I consume, whether it’s literature, television or video games, is going to have its problems, some far more than others. However, I like participatory criticism, and given the popularity of some of these works, the criticism has a broader chance to get out there and be heard. Maybe that’s still naivete. But it’s my naivete, at least.

Safe to say, this post will contain spoilers for seasons 1 and 2 of Game of Thrones, and while I’m talking about the show over the book, consider the post as having spoilers for books 1-5 as well.

Sansa and Shae

Ready?

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You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry (But you don’t seem to like when I’m polite, either)

There have been a lot of reasons to be angry this week. Truly, legitimately angry.  Most prominent would be the Stuebenville verdict and the backlash Jane Doe has faced. (And her compassionate response to everything continues to be an incredible inspiration to me.)

Or how about Adria Richards, who tweeted a request for PyCon employees to deal with some con-goers making sexual jokes. She did it via twitter in order to not disrupt the on-going presentation, and tweeted a picture IDing the perpetrators.  As you can see, it was handled! Excellent. However…not only is PyCon in the midst of changing their code of conduct after the fact to avoid similar firestorms, but Adria also lost her job (as did one of the men making the jokes) over the incident after internet heroes started ddosing her company’s website, not to mention the ubiquitous threats and slurs.

Or the release of Anita Sarkeesian’s first video in her Tropes versus Women project, which is wholly (almost to the point of blandness) the bare bones of feminism 101, and still received and continues to receive a shitstorm of threats, not to mention just plain absurd accusations of being a Fake Gamer Girl.

Right, so here’s the thing.

I do not, as a matter of course, wake up angry. When I got married, more than one person signed off their cards with, “never go to bed angry” and I try to hold to that. (I guess they meant towards my husband and not existentially, but eh, what’re you gonna do?) I do not even engage in people saying things I disagree with angry.

But I sure do get angry fast when my (to my mind) relatively mild disagreement becomes phrased as “too angry” or “an attack” or, my personal favourites “irrational and/or hysterical”.  Nothing in my entire experience prepared me for how easily people will call you angry – and then suddenly, other people see it too! Whatever the topic of conversation was, it falls to the wayside in the wake of a discussion on whether or not I was angry, am I justifiably angry, how much literal venom am I pouring into innocent bystanders ears. “You’re right,” I murmur, “I was angry all along. I retract my position because this anger is unbecoming and causes frown lines.”

Okay, maybe not the last part. But I do, at that point, start get angry. Anger has perhaps even become a default starting point, if only so I can skip the song and dance about exactly how angry I am. It’s like cutting out the embarrassing stumbling around after someone asks you if you’re pregnant. (“No, just fat. welp, you must be embarrassed.”)

So, yeah, I’m angry.  I’m angry that in the year of our lord twenty thirteen we are still having discussions about whether or not a woman has a right to bodily autonomy; yes, even if she signed a contract. I’m angry that I see women going before me into the tech and game industries and be pushed aside, pushed out or drop out from the sheer exhaustion of dealing with idiot men. I’m angry that most people can’t point out what rape is on a map. Sometimes I take that anger and channel it into a project I’m working on. And sometimes I use it to fuel a discussion about any of those topics long past the point where I just want to throw up my hands, understand that equality isn’t ever going to really happen except on the most superficial levels, and sleep the day away in a pillow fort filled with cats.

I’m tired of fighting in my own circles. I have just as many, if not MORE, arguments with people who want to be allies and other feminists, than I do with Straight Up Card Carrying Misogynists. Sometimes these arguments can be good, a way to clarify and expand on my own thoughts on feminism and women’s rights. Often, they’re infuriating, borne out of a societal drive to promote a Meritocratic Individual who Has Opinions (And opinions, naturally, can never be wrong.) I don’t like being angry at people who are ostensibly “on my side” but I don’t want the half-assed deals they’re offering, either!

When women were imprisoned during the American federal suffragette movement, due to bullshit charges (Obstructing Traffic, for example), when they were issued pardons, some refused to take them, because they hadn’t committed a crime to begin with. Taking the pardons meant admitting guilt in the original instance. There are hundreds of posts’ worth of problems with first-wave feminism, but I admire that particular spirit.  I don’t want fun, sexy feminism. I don’t want to assuage men that I shave my legs, and abhor misandry to get them on board. I want them on board because it’s the right thing to do.

Yeah, I’m angry. What are you going to do about it?

The Esteemed and Noble Culture of H…Hentai?

So there’s a makeup company making its name on the cache of nerdism, which, whatever, I partake of nerdy things and cosmetics, so I can’t really judge someone for the combination of the two. They have a lip gloss called “Tentacle Grape”, (edit Feb 18 2013: Now called Willful Wyvern, apparently!) which aside from being hideous as sin, is also a pretty tasteless joke, which let’s be real, is so transparent my nana would have seen it.  And I love nana, but she’s getting on in years.

Which has upset a few people, myself included.  It was mentioned at them on their twitter, and also talked about on tumblr, and while initial responses in private were professional, eventually it came to a public vote and snide as fuck blog post.

Hey, remember this? Remember how well it turned out? Yeah. And that was just for a character model in an advertisement

The public is full of terrible idiots with awful track records with pretty much any sensitive topic, but asking for opinions on a rape joke, among a group of nerds, is just so mindbogglingly stupid I could barely wrap my head around it except rape as a joke is still all too common because “it’s meaning has changed.” or “I’m not actually advocating rape.” (Even though you totally are.)  This is not a new or particularly surprising opinion, nor is democratically putting it to a vote to prove that majority doesn’t think rape is a problem, hurray we solved rape!

I had a really great experience last night having a meal with about 12 people I really love and respect from all varieties of life and careers: old priest, young priest, teachers, doctors, dental hygienist, etc.  And me, Angry Feminist the First (though hopefully not the last) of this circle.  You know how you go home for the holidays and you cringe whenever any public issue is brought up around pie, because inevitably it’s going to end in shouting and tears?  This didn’t happen there. We talked about everything – sexism and racism around rap music and rock music, male privilege, problems with the white saviour attitude towards other nations, issues of the church adopting social justice language but not practice, all sorts of sticky, uncomfortable topics.

We didn’t all agree. But I came out of that dinner feeling revitalized, not beat down.  If we couldn’t see eye to eye on an issue to the same extremes I might take it, they still saw me as a person and valued my ideas and supported the way I want to go about perpetuating them in speech and actions, of myself and others.  It gave me hope that not backing down, calling things out, drawing the eye of privileged people to their straight privilege or their male privilege, while painful and difficult, can have value still.

Okay.  Let’s go back to the beginning. This is a makeup company. They sell lipgloss. And the hill they want to die on is making a giant, public mess over something that could have been easily avoided. I have enough BPAL to last me a lifetime, so I don’t frequent the company any more, but there’s been a number of issues with their oils: copyright infraction, lack of a component, too time-consuming to make.  They simply posted a note under the news section. “Oil of the Damned is being retired because blah blah reason.  If we can find a new component/easier formula it will come back (under a new name because copyright issues)”  Some people were like “Aw, man my favourite perfume!” when something was retired due to component probs, but I never – never once, and let me tell you the BPAL forums are not for the faint of heart – saw someone go “shit a new name, WELL I NEVER”

People bring out “Well, if I give in to everything people says is offensive, I won’t be able to say anything ever!”  They always say this! And yet, I haven’t seen it a) stop stupid people from saying offensive shit or b) stopped thoughtful people from going, “Actually, yeah, I found this word that works great in lieu of b*tch.”  Someone will say, “but I’ll apologize and they’ll still keep hounding me!” Really? because my experience has always been that a genuine apology and effort to not repeat the mistake has ended a potential shitstorm, even if the person correcting me still doesn’t particularly like me.

So: companies. Celebrities. People on twitter who don’t seem to know shit about the public eye of social media and blogging.  You can do things quietly. It’s okay.  Have convinction in your own decisions.  Retire Tentacle Grape and release it under a new name.  Absorb the complaints and say, “Thanks but no thanks, we’re keeping it as is.” Don’t put it to a public vote and then complain it should’ve been kept to email, okay? Unless you want this to be posted on dozens of blogs, because congratulations, it was a massive success.

Heart’s Blood, White Ribbons (Trigger warnings for rape)

Whenever I make the statement that while I don’t believe men can be feminists, I do think they have roles to play within feminism, there’s inevitably one or two men (or women!) asking, “Well, like what?”

Guys, here’s your chance.

The White Ribbon campaign is an international awareness movement devoted to stopping violence against women. A lot of their promotional materials are devoted to educating and encouraging men to take up action against men perpetuating violence against women. Before the derailing penny gets laid on the tracks, let’s cover it:

Yes, men get raped too. Their assault is typically perpetuated by other men. Yes, women have committed rape – but they account for less than 2% of all sexual assaults committed, and this includes: statutory rape (teacher/student), abuse of their own children or abuse perpetuated on another woman. So of that already tiny percent, an even smaller percent is female-on-male abuse. Savvy? When I say his/he when talking about rapists, I’m not just blowing smoke up your ass.

Now, I often feel very strongly about violence against women, both for personal reasons and the more lofty goal of, “it’s fucking gross, don’t do that shit”. But whenever it happens within something you consider your community, you get reminded of how very far men have to go in telling each other not to rape.

One of the gold-making bloggers, Alyzande aka Gold Queen has been extremely candid in blogging about her recent experience with violence and rape. (TW for suicide at link.) Because she is a woman on the internet, being honest about her experience, people think this gives them license to be gross dicks about it, judging her or doubting her story.

Protip men: when I said there are things you can do to help feminism, this is a key one. Support survivors of assault. Don’t heap on the victim blaming. If you can’t help yourself from the latter, please kick yourself firmly in the nards.

BUT.

Some WoW bloggers have used this as an opportunity to spread love and support for Alyzande personally, as well as information and education on the international white ribbon campaign. I don’t know who initially made this image, but it’s perfect:

Click the ribbon.  Do one of the things suggested on the site, especially if you’re a guy asking “Okay then, what is my role in feminism?”  This is it. Do this.